The Science of Lasting Love with Dr. Sue Johnson

A few key ideas from this conversation stood out. First, regarding criticism: when someone you deeply care about is passive-aggressive, critical, complaining, or demanding, it's often a cry for help. This behavior stems from feeling alone, uncared for, or needing attention. It reminds me of something Esther Perel said in episode 71: "Behind every criticism is a wish." Most people react to criticism, escalation, or passive-aggressiveness by shutting down.

When couples come in, I don't ask, "Have you ever had any secure attachment?" because that's too abstract. Instead, I ask, "When you grew up, if you got upset, could you reliably turn to someone in your family for comfort?" Some say, "Oh, yes, my dad would hold me when I cried." Others' voices reveal this was foreign territory. People who experienced safe connection with a parent have a big advantage. Research shows they're more likely to have friends in high school, be better friends themselves, and be more empathetic with anyone they date. They're also more likely to find happy dating relationships.

Emotional responsiveness is an abstract concept encompassing much. It's the ability and willingness to emotionally tune into another person, allowing them to perceive your nonverbals or words. This enables them to feel what you're feeling and respond in a way that makes you feel valued. This may sound elaborate, but consider that humans are social bonding mammals. If you're paying attention, you pick up cues from someone's face in 100 milliseconds. Your facial muscles automatically imitate what you see on another person's face, and the mirror neurons in your brain fire. If you're attentive, you physically feel what you observe on their face.

Emotional isolation is traumatizing for humans; we are not wired for it. It signals danger to our nervous system. We desperately need others to respond. These dramas often begin when we are very young and lack strategies. The automatic response is to yell, scream, and push. I recall a woman saying, "I poke him and poke him and poke him." Anything to get a response. If he doesn't respond, there's no relationship, and I've lost him. I'm alone, in panic and loss. She specifically used the word panic.

Yes, that's an interesting point of view, though highly unpopular in many places these days. I've been accused of being… what was it? A naive conservative Canadian. Sorry, I'm not conservative at all; I'm terribly liberal. I am Canadian and very proud of it. I object to the word "naive" because I may be many things, but I'm not naive. I am very good at what I do and know an awful lot about it. So, no, I'm not naive. This accusation came from a lady on a big, nameless listserv who basically said, "Your ideas about monogamy are disgusting." I replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, but that's a very emotional word. Let's take the emotion out of it. I can give you six scientific arguments as to why we're wired for monogamy."

It's very hard because I think in images. Imagine you're holding a secret close to your chest, carefully ensuring it's not revealed. You're keeping this part of yourself out of the relationship, which means you're not fully engaged, and your partner will sense that. Deception and secrets are toxic in love. Research shows that accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement predict the safety of any bond between any two people. Secrets undermine accessibility. When I'm hiding from you, I'm careful around you. There's a part of me I don't want you to know, and I'm constantly worried you'll discover it. That takes energy; glucose goes into your brain to hide.

Empty Nest is a really interesting phenomenon. Divorce rates have increased for this group, often initiated by women. This is fascinating because, as one participant in my "Hold Me Tight" groups once shared, when asked about her relationship's dynamic, she replied, "I call it 'the nothing.'" She explained that despite always having communication issues, they had good sex and were wonderful, loving parents. Their children were a "joy project" that consumed their time and provided a connection. However, once their last daughter left for college, they realized they had nothing left between them.

The best thing you can do for your kids is create a safe parental alliance and share with each other. Parenting is hard work, especially if you want to do it well. It's difficult to do alone, and almost impossible if you're fighting with your partner. That puts you in a danger zone. So, the best thing you can do for your kids is to have a good relationship where you support each other as parents. That's truly the best thing. From my point of view, it's a real mistake when people avoid their relationship by focusing on their child. They might interact as parents, but eventually, your kids will grow up and leave. Good parenting is a moving target.